Missing Him in Advance

The last few weeks, we've been re-organizing our house. We've been living here now for eleven years, and we were really set up for two men and two female cats. We had to throw out a lot of junk (including tons of old books I accumulated during grad school that I never read and will never read). We installed shelves in the basement and moved lots of stuff down there. We got rid of the old futon, and then moved everything left in what used to be the old computer room into the old guest room.

Göran then patched, scrubbed and re-painted the old computer room. Last weekend a local furniture store was having its big annual sale, with discounts on everything and "0% financing until September 2008!!!" We bought a nice new bed and a dresser, which were delivered and installed Saturday. And voila! Now we have a kid's bedroom (pictured above).

Göran is still fussing and fretting about details. He actually put together a list of what we still need in order make the room more comfortable and homey. A mirror to put on the wall above his dresser. A rug for the floor. One of those cool wooden boxes on rollers that he can put toys and other stuff into, to keep under his bed. A book shelf. We plan to pay a visit to a certain Swedish discount home furnishings outlet to complete it.

As we were going over the checklist in our heads, and admiring the room together last night, I said, "I miss him."

Göran said, "I miss him too."

Is it really possible to miss someone you've never met?

We're still waiting for the licensing procedure to be completed. Only then can we discuss prospective placements. Minnesota just established a new finger-printing requirement at the last minute, and since nobody knows how to implement it, it's taken extra long to finalize our licensing. We've been through the nine hours of interviews, the home inspections, the criminal background checks, the nine hours of paperwork... Now we're being held up because some bureaucrat somewhere can't figure out what to do with our fingerprints. Yet the waiting is not bad. In my present spiritual path, I have learned that often when there is a delay, it's an opportunity to listen. It's an opportunity for that last little bit of preparation needed to make the anticipated moment perfect.

It's not that we're not ready. Before even beginning the process, we spent weeks discussing it with each other, each thinking it through on our own, talking to other parents, mapping out the scenarios, the costs and obstacles and challenges. I spent time praying. For a time we were checking in with each other regularly. "I'm 90% sure. How about you?" "Oh, I'm about 95%." We meet for lunch downtown every day, and one day for lunch, I said, "What percent are you?" He said, "Oh, I'm pretty much 100%. How about you?" I grinned back, "Oh, I've been 100% for a while."

And before that, before I even agreed to say "Yes, we'll think about it," when a social worker friend of mine asked if we'd be willing to become licensed foster parents, there was the experience I had while attending my parent's church in Springville, Utah in August 2006. I was sitting next to my parents in Sacrament Meeting, and the Spirit said to me, "You need to open yourself to taking care of children."

Ever since coming out, I just assumed I would never, ever have kids. No marriage, no kids. Göran has brought it up before and I've firmly said No. But here was the Spirit saying "You need to open yourself to taking care of children." And like so many other times before, my reply to the Spirit was, "I have no idea how we'll do that. But, OK."

And then came the social worker. Then our thinking and praying. And now the bedroom is ready. It could still be weeks or months till we get our first child. Impossible to know. And in some ways, it still feels a little bit crazy. But now as I look back over all of this, and I think, we're ready. Mentally, spiritually, and now domestic-arrangement-edly, we're ready. Except this one little bit more of waiting. Waiting for fingerprints. Waiting for a child.

And I miss him. I don't know how I can possibly miss someone I've never met. But I do miss him.