Monday, June 23, 2008

How Great Shall Be Your Joy

I'm sort of overwhelmed right now. I'm sensing the tremors in the gay Mormon blogosphere caused by the breaking news about the First Presidency's decision to send a letter to the Church in California, urging members to back the anti-gay-marriage amendment. I'm reading the emotional posts on both sides of this subject, some sneering at same-sex marriage, and some emotionally defending it. I have thoughts on the First Presidency letter, but they are complex and I don't have the energy to write about this right now.

I also had a powerful experience at Church this past Sunday. It was an amazing Sunday for me. There were incredible moments of clarity. I wept in priesthood meeting. I want to write about this too, but I don't have the energy for that either right now.

Earlier this evening, I found out that as a result of my preaching at Metropolitan Community Church last summer, a woman there eventually opened her doors to the LDS missionaries and, last November, joined the Church. Last Saturday, her son was baptized.

"Did you preach at MCC last summer?" she had asked me.

"Yes," I replied.

"You're the reason I joined the Church," she said.

Like everything else at this moment, my feelings about this are complicated. I feel like crying, but I'm exhausted. This woman is bright, energetic, self-possessed, engaged. An amazing person. And it is obvious to me that though her joining the Church has not been without its complications, it has been a source of tremendous joy to her. It has changed her life. She is full of love for the Church and for others, and full of missionary spirit. And I'm grateful for the new relationship I've found with her. And amazed at this answer to prayer; because I never speak in public any more without first praying that the Spirit be present, that it use my words, that it touch and move those who hear what I have to say, that it open their minds and their hearts. And here is proof that those prayers have been answered. Though this is not my work; it is the work of the Spirit.

And then there is also the sadness I feel, in a sense. I've opened a door for someone else that I can't enter. And I wish I could. So I feel both happy and heartbroken. It's strange how those feelings are mixing right now.

What am I? What do I know? Nothing.


MoHoHawaii said...

I am looking forward to your thoughts on the First Presidency's letter.

Chedner said...

I feel like crying, but I'm exhausted.

I think that's a good summary of how I feel right now. For a few different reasons, I'm sure, as well as for a few of the same reasons... but tears are on my cheeks although my cheeks are dry.