Testimony, Anyone?

Today in elders quorum the instructor announced that the lesson today was about testimony. After reading excerpts from a conference talk, he announced that the elders quorum presidency had decided that they wanted to provide more opportunities to bear testimony in the quorum meeting, and did anyone particularly want to bear their testimony, right now?

Yes, someone did. I felt something, I felt that warmth. My heart started racing. I could feel my neck and face getting all flushed. But I didn't even know how to start. So I just leaned forward and stared down at my shoes.

OK. Then Brother Young (not his real name) ups the ante by saying, "You know, I've found that much of my testimony has come from when I've questioned and doubted, and then eventually, through all of that I found my testimony. I'd be really interested in hearing from somebody who's maybe struggled with some of this stuff, or doubted and then found his testimony again."

I could actually start to feel tears welling up. But I couldn't. It was just too complicated. If I said one single word, I didn't know where it would stop. It was just too damn frightening. Did I even have a right to speak in elders quorum? I mean, I've participated in quorum class discussions before, but this was far too sacred, too holy, too frickin' scary to take a risk opening up this way if I'm not even sure I'm allowed to talk. So I just continued to get to be really good friends with the tops of my shoes.

And all this time, the Spirit is just welling up in me. What would I say, if I could say something?

I left the church over twenty years ago after almost killing myself. And in those twenty years, I've doubted everything, the whole ball of wax. The Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, the Church, Jesus Christ, God, everything. Because, by the way, I'm gay. And I thought the Church hated me and so I hated the Church back. And then, damn it, the Holy Spirit clobbered me two years ago. I didn't ask for a testimony. I tried squirming out of it. I tried explaining it away. Things were so much easier and less complicated without it. But I could not deny it, and it would not let me go. And don't let's even start to talk about my intellectual doubts. But all of them, every last one in the last year and a half, have melted away in the warmth of the Spirit. And my whole life has changed because of it. Half the elders quorum still doesn't seem to know what my name is. Nobody seems to have noticed, but I've been attending here for the last year and a half because of it, because of this testimony. And I can't say any more because it's just too complicated. Because I know what they will say. If I have such a big, fat testimony, why didn't I just set my life in order and join the Church? How could I even begin to explain that to them?

I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. And these guys were raising their hands without batting an eye. No big deal for them. And mostly they were waxing intellectual about it all, even a bit jocular. And it just left me feeling isolated and lonely and completely alien.

And wonderful.

Here I was, paralyzed, feeling like some kind of freak or some kind of no good nobody. And yet, in spite of all that, the Spirit was right there, right then, right with me, reminding me that not only did I know it was all true, but I was loved and everything was OK. It didn't matter that they would never, ever understand. My whole soul, body and spirit, was just filling up with this warmth. And I was silently praying, Father, how can I feel this and not tell the truth of what I feel? Won't I lose my testimony if I don't bear it? And the Spirit was saying, "Don't worry about it. It's not the time right now."

I arrived home on the verge of tears. I didn't know whether to cry for pain and loneliness, or to cry for joy. Göran immediately saw it in my face. He said, "What's wrong?" And I couldn't tell him either. So instead, I slammed the door on my thumb. I guess that was a good way to get out of having to explain myself.

At least I can bear my testimony to you.

P.S. I asked Göran if he would come to Church with me today, and he actually thought about it for a moment. He's been really sweet lately about my involvement in the Church. No grief, no silent treatments when I go to Church lately. I guess on balance, today's been a good day.