I said that Josh Weed's post about his marriage to his wife was moving and sensitively written.
So is this post, written by a woman who was married to a gay man for 13 years.
If I take at face value what Josh himself has said about his own relationship, then I think there is no problem, no cognitive dissonance required, having these two understandings of love and marriage coexisting in the same universe.
It seems uncouth to me to point out that Ashley's experience is the majority experience in relation to mixed-orientation marriages. I don't like to emphasize that, because I understand how pointing that out may feel dis-spiriting to those who are in mixed-orientation marriages and are making them work. But it's a fact, and facts cannot in their nature be uncouth. We have to learn to adjust to them and incorporate them into our understanding of reality.
And unfortunately, there are far too many who have abused, are abusing, and will abuse stories like Josh Weed's... Who seem unwilling or unable to incorporate that fact about how this works for the majority into their understanding of reality, and who seem unwilling to hear stories like Ashley's. So, uncouth or not, it feels necessary to put it out there.
Josh did his due diligence, I think. He made some disclaimers in his own statement that might militate against people using his story to clobber over the head the vast majority of gay men and lesbians for whom attempting a similar path would end in tragedy and disaster (as it did for Ashley and Matt).
And yet, people are using Josh's story to that end just the same.
Some people (the majority maybe?) are tone-deaf to nuance.
I want to embrace both Ashley and Josh. From a perspective of true charity, to embrace them both is natural, not abnormal as this world would make it seem. In a universe based on charity, it is natural and human to say to both, "I love you. I hear you. Thank you. My life is richer for having heard you." I want to dwell in that universe.
I think it's worth pointing out that if my relationship with my husband were legally recognized and respected, as Josh's relationship with his wife is, we might all be closer to living in that kind of universe. If I could congratulate Josh on his happiness, without having to endure the taunts of people in our society who think I'm morally deficient and a threat to "the family" for loving a human being of the same sex, we would all be closer to living in that kind of universe. The Josh's, the Ashley's and the me's would all be closer.