Self-Absorption

I wrote the following in my journal this morning, after receiving some much needed comfort from the Spirit during my morning prayers:

There is self-absorption that is not "selfishness" (in the sense of covetousness or greed) and that is not "egotism" (pride). Getting down on ourselves and indulging thoughts of low self-esteem is also a form of self-absorption. It is equally effective in the hands of the adversary to weaken our souls and cut us off from God. The antidote to both [forms of self-absorption, as President Uchtdorf taught during the last October conference] is service.

There comes a point at which indulging thoughts of low self-esteem also constitutes a lack of faith; a failure to acknowledge the lordship of Christ or an inability to believe in the healing power of the Atonement. I also wrote in my journal:

The Spirit is helping me to regard myself with patience, with kindness, and with compassion, to see myself as good. To remember that it is God who judges me, not me who judges me. If I focus too much on myself, it becomes a distraction from what the Lord would have me do.

I met yesterday with two Moho friends for lunch. What a blessing and a comfort these two friends have become to me! We meet monthly and hold a Family Home Evening together; we talk and sing and pray together, and bear our testimonies to each other. We met because I was feeling discouraged, and I realized that these brothers could understand what I'm up against in a way that others don't. I tried to explain to them what my path is like.

I told them that sometimes I feel like I'm walking a path on the steep side of a mountain. To my right is the ocean of despair, and to the left are the cliffs of judgment. I have to make my way forward on that path without losing my footing and sliding off into the ocean to be drowned, even as I dodge the boulders that tumble down from the cliffs at me to crush me.

The path forward is love. It is friends' loving arms on your back, encouraging you. It is the hand of my life companion, holding my hand and steadying me more than I can say in times of sadness and trouble. It is love for others beckoning us forward, prompting us to do something to make the world a better, kinder place. Love draws our attention away from our selves, our anxieties, our wounds, and lets us find healing in the work of healing others.