This morning as I was getting ready for Church, I received a very specific prompting from the Spirit to bear my testimony in Church. It was very clear and distinct.
I thought, I can't do that... I'm not allowed to speak in Church. And the Spirit's response was, "Just ask your bishop." I immediately imagined the bishop saying no. But the Spirit said, "Just ask him."
So I got dressed, got ready, and left a bit earlier than I usually do. As I rode my bike, I was composing a speech in my head, how I was going to ask him. And the Spirit said, "Don't do that. Just ask him."
So I arrived at the Church just as Bishop B. was finishing a meeting with his counselors. I sat down outside his office to wait. Brother C. stepped out of his office, and I asked if I could see the bishop for just thirty seconds.
I said to Bishop B., "I understand if you have to say no, but I want to know if it is OK for me to bear my testimony today."
Without any hesitation, he said, "I don't know of any reason why you would not be allowed to do that."
So I went into the chapel and found a seat. Instead of sitting in the middle of the back row as I usually do, I found a seat closer to the front and on the side, and I sat right next to the aisle so I would be able to get up more easily. I was going to be able to bear my testimony! Just thinking about it, I was already starting to weep. I got choked up trying to sing the opening hymn. I wept during the opening prayer.
I knew I was going to bear my testimony, but what was I going to say? I started to organize words in my mind. But the words weren't coming. I don't know how many of you have experienced the "stupor of thought" described in D&C 9:9, but that's what I had. I was trying to think of what story I was going to tell. And then I felt the Spirit again, saying simply, "Don't think about what you're going to say. You'll have the words you need to say in the moment you need them." So instead of thinking about what I was going to say, I just started to pray. And then the thought came into my mind with crystal clarity. This is a testimony. Just tell them what you know.
When the moment came, I got up and walked toward the podium. The bishopric all smiled at me. They just had the sweetest, kindest expressions on their faces.
It took me a moment to speak, to get over the emotion that was overcoming me. I began by telling them that I had asked that my name be removed from the records of the Church in 1986, after almost committing suicide. I told them I was gay, and that I had a partner with whom I will be celebrating our seventeenth anniversary soon, and that I love him very much and he loves me. Then I told them about that moment in August 2005 in Salt Lake City when the Spirit spoke to me so powerfully and undeniably, and reminded me that I had a testimony of the Church, how it confused me and made me angry at first, and how I had wanted to deny it and wrestled with it for months, but how the Spirit kept speaking to me so that I could not deny it, and then I started coming to Church in October 2005. And then I told them about their kindness, and what they had done for me, how Bishop M. had helped me. And then I told them what I know about the Church, about Joseph Smith, about the Book of Mormon, and about Jesus Christ. And then I thanked them for their many individual kindnesses to me over the years. And then I was done.
Bro. P. got up and called me his best friend, and he started talking about my faith, and my love for my parents, and my love for the scriptures. Later Sis. B. got up and told how, when I sang a solo musical number for the ward, she had never forgotten how she could hear my love for the Savior in my singing. When Bishop B. concluded by bearing his testimony, he added kind words of his own, and nodded and smiled down at me from the podium.
After Sacrament meeting ended, a crowd of people gathered around me, one after another hugging me, encouraging me, and telling me how much they loved me. All people who, at one time or another, had reached out to me in little ways over the last three years. All I could do was thank them and weep.
The ceiling of the sanctuary didn't fall in. Nothing exploded. Not one person reacted negatively. The entire ward just responded almost unanimously with pure, unreflective love. They just instinctively reached out to me with kindness and understanding.
After I got home from Church, I called my parents and told them what had happened, and we all wept tears of gratitude together.
When I arrived at choir rehearsal later in the afternoon, one by one members of the ward choir shook hands with me, hugged me, wanted to thank me for bearing testimony. We chatted easily, intimately and comfortably. It was like this barrier that once disconnected me from most members of my ward had suddenly been lifted. Once I was sort of a mystery, but now they understood. And in their understanding, there wasn't a trace of condemnation.
One sister mentioned a lesbian daughter. Another sister told me about a former ward member who died of AIDS.
I know this doesn't solve all my problems. I know this doesn't change some of the fundamental challenges of my life. But it does make me understand that there's a place where I can go where people are rooting for me. And there is a kind of clarity now, that makes me feel like I can breathe so much easier. I am so incredibly blessed.
Later this afternoon, after the choir rehearsal, I met with one of my home teachers. He expressed surprise. He couldn't get over the fact that he had observed not the slightest trace of negativity or homophobia. He expected something, but he saw nothing but love. I realize that so many others have had such different experiences, so I don't take my blessing for granted. I certainly had a very different experience not too long ago in my parents' ward in Utah. But I truly also believe that the Spirit is at work in the Church. I feel so privileged to be a part of it.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Interviews with Christ
After separating the sheep from the goats, Christ interviews the sheep.
Interview #1
Christ: So I understand you are homosexual, but were married to a woman your whole life. What was that like?
Interviewee #1: Well, as you can imagine, it was very challenging. I followed the advice of Church leaders and got married, believing that if I did my sexual orientation would eventually change. It never did. And as I gradually realized that it wouldn't, I was disappointed, angry, depressed. I almost lost faith in my Church leaders and even in you. But I hung in there, and gradually I realized that there were other blessings that helped keep me going. I sure love my children! They made everything else worth it.
It was really hard for my wife, too, as you can imagine. She had to be twice as disappointed and frustrated as I was, once she realized I could never be the kind of husband she thought she was marrying. Boy did we argue sometimes, and we both said things we later regretted. There were times when we thought our marriage would never make it. But we hung in there. Boy, do I love her! The temptation to be unfaithful was very difficult, and there was even a time when I failed her in that regard. But somehow she was able to forgive me, and I went through a repentance process. And in the end, we realized we had something precious, even if it wasn't what we had initially hoped.
Even though we were surrounded and supported by friends, family, and Church, there were times when we felt so alone. People loved us, but they just never could understand what we were going through. Sometimes we thought we would go crazy. But we learned to reach out and rely on others more. And we learned how precious our relationships were to our extended family and members of our ward.
Christ: You're fortunate. It didn't work out so well for most people in your situation.
Interviewee #1: Oh, I know. I know.
Christ: What do you think you've learned from all this?
Interviewee #1: Well, I learned the value of obedience and how unexpected blessings can come from it. And I learned a LOT about communication and fidelity. And I learned how nothing important in life can be achieved without recognizing our interdependence. And of course I learned about the nature of love.
Christ: Well, we have some very important work for you to do that requires just those skills! Congratulations! You made it!
So I have one final question for you, and I want you to be completely honest. How do you feel about remaining together with your lovely spouse for all eternity?
Interviewee #1: Well, we've made it together this far. All of life's most important lessons, I learned from her. I can't imagine continuing without her.
But, um. I'm wondering, could you arrange for us to have a little more 'umph' in our marriage going forward? If you know what I mean?
Christ: (laughing) Yes, I know what you mean. And yes, I think adding a little more 'umph' to your marriage will be possible.
Interviewee #1: Yippee!
*****
Interview #2
Christ: So I understand you are same-sex attracted and consequently you chose to remain celibate your entire life. What was that like?
Interviewee #2: Well, as you can imagine, it was very challenging. Members of the Church, friends and family tried to be supportive, I think. Their hearts were in the right place, but so often they just didn't get it. Sometimes there were things said in Sunday School and Priesthood meeting that made me just want to get up and scream. But I didn't. And gradually some folks figured it out, and I learned not to get upset by the ones that didn't.
But the hardest thing, as you can imagine, was the loneliness. Sometimes it was just grinding. It felt like I was dying. Sometimes I was so angry at Church leaders who counseled me to stay celibate. I thought, "What do they know? They're married! They have a wife and kids to go home to." Sometimes I felt like just giving up on the Church, even on you. But I hung in there. And I discovered strengths I never thought I had. And gradually I learned that I never really was alone. I could feel you there by my side. And there was no companionship I would rather have than yours!
And with no wife or kids, I had so much time and energy to get involved in some really great service projects... Serving food to the hungry. Building houses for the homeless. Visiting people in prisons. You were there too. Boy, nothing in the world gave me a better feeling than seeing people's faces when you'd done something good for them.
Christ: There are very few who gain as profound an understanding of the whole meaning of life as you have.
Interviewee #2: I was blessed. I was always so blessed. Thank you!
Christ: What do you think you've learned from all this?
Interviewee #2: Well, I learned the value of patience, and how friendships can be blessed and deepened by it. And I learned a LOT about the value of obedience, and how it can teach us to be stronger than we ever imagined possible. And I learned the pure joy of service. And of course I learned about the nature of love.
Christ: Well, we have some very important work for you to do that requires just those skills! Congratulations! You made it!
So I have one final question for you, and I want you to be completely honest. Would you still like to continue single, or are you interested in the possibility of finding a partner going forward?
Interviewee #2: A partner, please!! That's what I've been saving myself for! I've had enough loneliness for all eternity.
Christ: Male or female?
Interviewee #2: I can choose? But, um, suppose I choose a woman... There wouldn't be any issues with, um, you know...
Christ: No, it's possible to work that out.
Interviewee #2: Well, I love women, so let's make it a woman.
Christ: Good choice.
*****
Interview #3
Christ: So I understand you are gay and you found a life-partner of the same sex, though you faced some very difficult social challenges. What was that like?
Interviewee #3: Well, I couldn't have done it without my husband. We were there for each other through rejection by our churches, job discrimination, alienation from our families. We had to learn to really make extra effort to be there for each other, because all of those stresses took a toll on us, and sometimes made it hard for us to give as much as the other needed. And we managed to stay faithful to each other too, despite the usual temptations. As a result the mutual love that grew between us was incredible. And it taught us how to give to others as well, and gave us a foundation to give service to the broader community. And we adopted two children, and just can't imagine what our life would have been like without them!
Of course, I also had to wrestle with my anger. People could be so hateful, and could say and do things that made us feel like shit, like the scum of the earth. I felt so crushed and betrayed by the Church. So often, I even lost faith in you, and believed that you didn't love me either. I almost committed suicide at one point. But you were there for me, and I learned to rely on you. And I gradually learned that in order to survive I had to come to terms with my anger, and learn to forgive others for what they had done. And when I did, I realized what an incredible gift that was! I realized that there is no love that even compares to the love that we return for hate. What an amazing gift!
And so often there was just incredible self-doubt that tormented me. How could I be right, when it seemed like the whole world disapproved of me? At least the part of the world that really mattered to me -- the Church, our families. But I knew that our love was a good thing, and choosing each other and taking care of each other the way we did was the right thing to do, even when everyone else called it a "sin." Learning to stand up for what you know is right, even when no one else has faith in you... It came in handy in lots of important situations. I'd say it was worth it.
Christ: I'd say you've done well with the gifts you were given.
Interviewee #3: Thanks for helping me with that!
Christ: What do you think you've learned from all this?
Interviewee #3: Well, of course with my spouse I learned the value of communication and fidelity in helping us build a love that made life worth living. And of course I learned a LOT of patience! And courage to stand up for what is right. And of course I learned about the nature of love.
Christ: Well, we have some very important work for you to do that requires just those skills! Congratulations! You made it!
Interviewee #3: You mean you're not sending us to hell?
Christ: (smiling) No, you've done enough time in hell. We need you in Heaven, even if only to ruffle the feathers of the "righteous"!
So I have one final question for you, and I want you to be completely honest. How do you feel about remaining together with your lovely spouse for all eternity?
Interviewee #3: You're not going to split us up now, are you? After all we've been through, I can't imagine continuing without him!
Christ: No, if that's what you want, you and your husband may look forward to learning and growing together forever.
Interviewee #3: But what about our kids, can we be with them too?
Christ: Yes, we can make arrangements for you to be with the kids too.
Interviewee #3: Yippee!
Interview #1
Christ: So I understand you are homosexual, but were married to a woman your whole life. What was that like?
Interviewee #1: Well, as you can imagine, it was very challenging. I followed the advice of Church leaders and got married, believing that if I did my sexual orientation would eventually change. It never did. And as I gradually realized that it wouldn't, I was disappointed, angry, depressed. I almost lost faith in my Church leaders and even in you. But I hung in there, and gradually I realized that there were other blessings that helped keep me going. I sure love my children! They made everything else worth it.
It was really hard for my wife, too, as you can imagine. She had to be twice as disappointed and frustrated as I was, once she realized I could never be the kind of husband she thought she was marrying. Boy did we argue sometimes, and we both said things we later regretted. There were times when we thought our marriage would never make it. But we hung in there. Boy, do I love her! The temptation to be unfaithful was very difficult, and there was even a time when I failed her in that regard. But somehow she was able to forgive me, and I went through a repentance process. And in the end, we realized we had something precious, even if it wasn't what we had initially hoped.
Even though we were surrounded and supported by friends, family, and Church, there were times when we felt so alone. People loved us, but they just never could understand what we were going through. Sometimes we thought we would go crazy. But we learned to reach out and rely on others more. And we learned how precious our relationships were to our extended family and members of our ward.
Christ: You're fortunate. It didn't work out so well for most people in your situation.
Interviewee #1: Oh, I know. I know.
Christ: What do you think you've learned from all this?
Interviewee #1: Well, I learned the value of obedience and how unexpected blessings can come from it. And I learned a LOT about communication and fidelity. And I learned how nothing important in life can be achieved without recognizing our interdependence. And of course I learned about the nature of love.
Christ: Well, we have some very important work for you to do that requires just those skills! Congratulations! You made it!
So I have one final question for you, and I want you to be completely honest. How do you feel about remaining together with your lovely spouse for all eternity?
Interviewee #1: Well, we've made it together this far. All of life's most important lessons, I learned from her. I can't imagine continuing without her.
But, um. I'm wondering, could you arrange for us to have a little more 'umph' in our marriage going forward? If you know what I mean?
Christ: (laughing) Yes, I know what you mean. And yes, I think adding a little more 'umph' to your marriage will be possible.
Interviewee #1: Yippee!
*****
Interview #2
Christ: So I understand you are same-sex attracted and consequently you chose to remain celibate your entire life. What was that like?
Interviewee #2: Well, as you can imagine, it was very challenging. Members of the Church, friends and family tried to be supportive, I think. Their hearts were in the right place, but so often they just didn't get it. Sometimes there were things said in Sunday School and Priesthood meeting that made me just want to get up and scream. But I didn't. And gradually some folks figured it out, and I learned not to get upset by the ones that didn't.
But the hardest thing, as you can imagine, was the loneliness. Sometimes it was just grinding. It felt like I was dying. Sometimes I was so angry at Church leaders who counseled me to stay celibate. I thought, "What do they know? They're married! They have a wife and kids to go home to." Sometimes I felt like just giving up on the Church, even on you. But I hung in there. And I discovered strengths I never thought I had. And gradually I learned that I never really was alone. I could feel you there by my side. And there was no companionship I would rather have than yours!
And with no wife or kids, I had so much time and energy to get involved in some really great service projects... Serving food to the hungry. Building houses for the homeless. Visiting people in prisons. You were there too. Boy, nothing in the world gave me a better feeling than seeing people's faces when you'd done something good for them.
Christ: There are very few who gain as profound an understanding of the whole meaning of life as you have.
Interviewee #2: I was blessed. I was always so blessed. Thank you!
Christ: What do you think you've learned from all this?
Interviewee #2: Well, I learned the value of patience, and how friendships can be blessed and deepened by it. And I learned a LOT about the value of obedience, and how it can teach us to be stronger than we ever imagined possible. And I learned the pure joy of service. And of course I learned about the nature of love.
Christ: Well, we have some very important work for you to do that requires just those skills! Congratulations! You made it!
So I have one final question for you, and I want you to be completely honest. Would you still like to continue single, or are you interested in the possibility of finding a partner going forward?
Interviewee #2: A partner, please!! That's what I've been saving myself for! I've had enough loneliness for all eternity.
Christ: Male or female?
Interviewee #2: I can choose? But, um, suppose I choose a woman... There wouldn't be any issues with, um, you know...
Christ: No, it's possible to work that out.
Interviewee #2: Well, I love women, so let's make it a woman.
Christ: Good choice.
*****
Interview #3
Christ: So I understand you are gay and you found a life-partner of the same sex, though you faced some very difficult social challenges. What was that like?
Interviewee #3: Well, I couldn't have done it without my husband. We were there for each other through rejection by our churches, job discrimination, alienation from our families. We had to learn to really make extra effort to be there for each other, because all of those stresses took a toll on us, and sometimes made it hard for us to give as much as the other needed. And we managed to stay faithful to each other too, despite the usual temptations. As a result the mutual love that grew between us was incredible. And it taught us how to give to others as well, and gave us a foundation to give service to the broader community. And we adopted two children, and just can't imagine what our life would have been like without them!
Of course, I also had to wrestle with my anger. People could be so hateful, and could say and do things that made us feel like shit, like the scum of the earth. I felt so crushed and betrayed by the Church. So often, I even lost faith in you, and believed that you didn't love me either. I almost committed suicide at one point. But you were there for me, and I learned to rely on you. And I gradually learned that in order to survive I had to come to terms with my anger, and learn to forgive others for what they had done. And when I did, I realized what an incredible gift that was! I realized that there is no love that even compares to the love that we return for hate. What an amazing gift!
And so often there was just incredible self-doubt that tormented me. How could I be right, when it seemed like the whole world disapproved of me? At least the part of the world that really mattered to me -- the Church, our families. But I knew that our love was a good thing, and choosing each other and taking care of each other the way we did was the right thing to do, even when everyone else called it a "sin." Learning to stand up for what you know is right, even when no one else has faith in you... It came in handy in lots of important situations. I'd say it was worth it.
Christ: I'd say you've done well with the gifts you were given.
Interviewee #3: Thanks for helping me with that!
Christ: What do you think you've learned from all this?
Interviewee #3: Well, of course with my spouse I learned the value of communication and fidelity in helping us build a love that made life worth living. And of course I learned a LOT of patience! And courage to stand up for what is right. And of course I learned about the nature of love.
Christ: Well, we have some very important work for you to do that requires just those skills! Congratulations! You made it!
Interviewee #3: You mean you're not sending us to hell?
Christ: (smiling) No, you've done enough time in hell. We need you in Heaven, even if only to ruffle the feathers of the "righteous"!
So I have one final question for you, and I want you to be completely honest. How do you feel about remaining together with your lovely spouse for all eternity?
Interviewee #3: You're not going to split us up now, are you? After all we've been through, I can't imagine continuing without him!
Christ: No, if that's what you want, you and your husband may look forward to learning and growing together forever.
Interviewee #3: But what about our kids, can we be with them too?
Christ: Yes, we can make arrangements for you to be with the kids too.
Interviewee #3: Yippee!
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