Wearing Purple

I was bullied in school. There was a group of guys who -- for lack of a better word -- enjoyed sexually harassing me. They would say really vulgar things, and ask me sexually explicit questions, just to see if they could upset me or get some kind of a reaction out of me. They'd also taunt me for being Mormon, with questions like "How many mothers do you have?" The sexual teasing was also related to being Mormon, because these bullies knew I was deeply religious and sexual teasing was the most religiously offensive thing they could think to do. I never thought it was obvious I was gay, but -- according to my sister -- it was considered common knowledge in my high school that I was also queer, a fag. So if that's the case, I was literally tortured for being both gay and Mormon.

Fortunately I was never physically assaulted, though in seventh grade (when I was 12 and 13) the teasing, taunting and bullying was almost constant. Every day there were new insults (or, old insults tediously recycled again and again). It was almost unbearable, and it was everywhere -- in class, out of class, during lunch, and of course the dreaded gym class. In the lunch room there were a group of them who would converge on me like a pack of wolves, and start on me with the nasty questions almost every day.

I generally did the best I could to avoid giving them satisfaction by reacting in any way. Though my mom tells me every day of the seventh grade I would arrive home in tears.

I guess I understood why other, well-meaning kids never stood up for me. Who wants to be next on the bullies' list? What I never understood was why teachers and gym coaches and lunchroom attendants never did anything. They had real power in that situation, but they always looked the other way.

Life does get better. People (usually) eventually grow up and learn that being an asshole is no fun. Junior high is the worst.

I want to say that it was my faith that helped me survive. Knowing that there is right, and the right will eventually prevail gave me both patience and endurance. My faith, and the loving upbringing I had from my parents, also helped me to believe in my own goodness. To know that even if people treated me like shit, I was not shit. Thanks to my parents and my faith, I never doubted in high school that life was worth living, nor that I would eventually prevail over my adversaries.

My suicide crisis came later, in college, as I was coming to terms with my gayness, when certain elements of my religious upbringing made it impossible for me to believe in my own fundamental goodness, and when I began to doubt that I could succeed at anything important in life or find long-term happiness. That I survived that was something like a miracle.

But I'm here, I made it. I survived the bullying and coming out, and have a life I wouldn't trade for any other. I have a husband and a son and a great home; I'm able to do things I love -- writing and teaching. More importantly, I know who I am, and I have a relationship with God and a life full of spirit and truth as well. I've had my share of struggles, but also my fair share of triumphs. And I'm wearing a purple shirt today as a way of saying to those who are still struggling, that life holds too many big surprises to give up on it before you've had a chance to see what they are.

The One True Church?

Kevin (MidKnight543) recently expressed strong objections to an experience I described in Church recently, where I felt the Spirit had born witness to me that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints "is Christ's Church.... the only Church that acts with Christ's full authority and has a true and complete understanding of his doctrine." He said he would quit following my blog as a result.

My purpose in writing this blog has, of course, always been to find a way forward as a gay Latter-day Saint. There have always been folks out there who think I'm crazy to be a Mormon. There are other faiths that are much more accommodating of same-sex relationships, and why couldn't I embrace one of those instead? Mormonism is so obviously a fraud and hokum, etc., etc. And then of course there are (probably the majority) within my own faith who reject the various spiritual experiences I've had prompting me to stay in relationship with my husband. All those folks are entitled to their opinions. I'm even open to having civil conversations with them on my blog about my beliefs, and am happy to explain why I believe the way I do and not some other way. And in the end, I hope for some respect, just as I try to be respectful of others. And if you're really unhappy with my views, and it really hurts that much to read them, no one has ever obliged you to read my blog.

If someone finds any of my views so upsetting that they don't even want to read what I have to say, it is probably pointless to try to rationally explain my views to that person. So I debated as to whether I should even make the attempt here. At the same time, I do understand why certain people might be offended by the statement I made, especially if they take it out of context or don't understand how it fits in the overall framework of my beliefs and values. So, for the sake of those who were offended or confused but who are nonetheless still reading my blog, I thought it might be worthwhile to discuss this a bit -- both what it does and does not mean to me to believe in "one true Church."

The religious experience I described is -- first and foremost -- just that. An experience. Intellectually, I find it more comfortable and defensible to back away from the kinds of absolutistic statements I described receiving as a witness of the Spirit. It's perhaps my own personal discomfort with the statement that is prompting me (perhaps somewhat defensively) to feel I ought to explain myself here. I could certainly rationalistically distance myself from the experience. I could try to explain it away in terms of religious psychology or sociology. But the point is, this is an experience I had. It is not something I chose to have (at least not consciously), it is something that came to me quite unbidden. I did not expect to have this experience when I went to Church this past Sunday.

Nor, should I add, is it necessarily an experience or a revelation that makes life easy for me. Embedded in the experience was my sense that it is not helpful for me to argue with Church leaders (such as Elder Boyd K. Packer) about the morality of same-sex relationships or the nature of homosexuality. For obvious reasons, that's not so convenient for someone in a committed same-sex relationship.

But what I've discovered in my journey is that advancing spiritually requires a certain level of trust. It requires learning to recognize the Spirit of the Living God, and surrendering to it. When I have done so in the past, the Spirit has led me in fruitful, life-giving directions. I have -- in other words -- a relationship with God that is tried and tested and has been validated again and again for me. So even when the Spirit's promptings are intellectually uncomfortable, I've learned to trust and see where they lead me.

That is the importance of this experience that I've had. What does it mean to have received (and to accept as valid) a revelation that the LDS Church "is Christ's Church.... the only Church that acts with Christ's full authority and has a true and complete understanding of his doctrine"? It means potentially lots of things, but first and foremost it means I have an obligation to stay committed to this path somehow. It means I won't ditch it for some other spiritual path that is more pleasing or convenient to me. I am committed to learn what I need to learn from this path, no matter how personally difficult it can be at times.

Here's what it doesn't mean: that I think what everyone else believes is a load of crap. That I have no respect or love for other faiths or other churches. Anyone who has read my blog for more than a few entries knows how much I cherish and love every faith and every religious path that individuals pursue sincerely and with devotion. I am fascinated by other religions, and I spend at least as much -- if not more! -- time studying them as I do my own. Other faiths teach me profound truths about my own. Furthermore, other faiths have truths that are often overlooked in Mormonism, and that enrich my life as I am able to incorporate them into my own, Mormon belief system.

My own faith teaches me that if I am to be a true believer in Jesus Christ, I must love and respect people of other faiths as my own brothers and sisters. I should be as willing to defend them, serve them, and strengthen them as I am members of my own faith. I am utterly committed to their freedom of worship and freedom to practice their faiths, so long as doing so does not infringe on the rights of others. (And I will also be quick to jump into the fray on the side of religious freedom and against my own faith community, if I perceive that my faith community is trying, in some way, to infringe on the rights of others.)

Finally, I recognize that others may have strong beliefs that conflict with my own. Others may belong to Churches that they have their own reasons for believing to be "the one true." I have no problem at all with that. My advice to anyone in any religious path is that you must follow your conscience, find truth as best you can, and be faithful. I feel I have the right (and the obligation) to demand the same privilege.

I believe that every person of faith -- no matter what faith they profess -- has a moment where they, in essence, confess, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life" (John 6: 68). Everyone has some reason why they choose the religion they choose and why they -- push comes to shove -- believe their faith is truer than any other. Different faiths promote different hermeneutics for discerning truth. Conservative Christians emphasize a more literal reading of scripture and the sufficiency of the Bible alone. Liberal Christians emphasize reason. Mormons emphasize the Spirit and modern-day revelation. That's why a Conservative Christian will justify his or her beliefs through proof-texting and a close reading of the Bible. A Liberal Christian will stress how his or her rational evaluation of truth claims has led him or her to embrace a certain system of faith. Mormons, on the other hand, will certainly read scriptures carefully and subject truth claims to rational analysis, but in the end give priority to the witness of the Spirit. A Mormon, in the end, is encouraged to choose their true religion because it is where the Spirit has guided them.

Mormons are constantly attacked by conservative Christians on scriptural grounds, and by liberal Christians on rational grounds. Conservative and liberal Christians alike, on the other hand, get offended when Mormons simply explain that they believe their church is true because the Spirit has witnessed it to them. But there's no point in getting offended by that, any more than that Mormons should be offended that conservative and liberal Christians question their hermeneutic on scriptural or rational grounds.

I do believe that something wonderful can happen when we get over this kind of defensiveness and commit to learn from each other. If we can't hopefully learn from one another on these terms, we can at least hopefully co-exist peacefully and lovingly.